Kids Exchange
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Helping Children Understand Divorce |
Sara Gable, State Specialist, Human Development and Family Studies Kelly Cole, Extension Associate |
When parents decide to divorce, they typically have been through a series of events that have led them to this decision. Whether or not children are aware of parents' decisions depends on many things, including parents' behaviors and children's experiences. In some families, husbands and wives may argue frequently in front of the children, leaving children to suspect that something is going on. In other families, parents may talk quietly about their differences without the children ever knowing. And in other families, parents may argue sometimes and quietly handle their differences at other times. Regardless of the type of adult arguments and interactions that children experience, when parents decide to divorce, children need to know. |
The purpose of this guide is to help you understand the thoughts and feelings that children may have when their parents decide to divorce and to provide some tips for talking with children about divorce. |
| Talking with children about divorce |
Children's reactions to parental divorce are related to how parents inform them of their decision. Because of this, it is important for parents to think carefully about how they will tell their children and what they will tell them. When possible, the entire family should meet together so that both parents can answer children's questions. This strategy may also help parents to avoid blaming each other for the divorce. The following tips might make this a smoother process: |
| -Set aside time to meet as a family |
| -Plan ahead of time what to tell children |
| -Stay calm |
| -Plan to meet again |
| What to tell children |
Remember that divorce is confusing for children. When you first talk with children, limit your discussion to the most important and most immediate issues; children can become confused if they are given too much information at once. Children need to hear that their basic needs will be met, that someone will still fix breakfast in the morning, help them with their homework, and tuck them into bed at night. Children also need to know that their relationship with BOTH parents will continue, if possible. In the face of so many changes, children also need to hear what will remain the same. Parents can reassure their children through words and actions that their love will continue despite the changes in routine family life. |
During these family discussions, it is important for parents to tell children that the divorce is final and avoid giving children false hopes that the parents will reunite. Parents can also use this time to tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Most children older than 4 or 5 years commonly believe that the divorce is the result of something that they did. For instance, when asked why parents divorce, some children may explain that parents are divorcing because the children misbehaved or received bad grades in school. Children need repeated reassurance from parents that they are not responsible for the divorce. |
Remember to ask children about their fears and concerns. Give children time to think about the divorce and the changes ahead. Meet again as a family to talk about new questions and to reassure children of your ongoing involvement in their lives. Take your children's questions and concerns seriously and LISTEN to what they say. As stated by one child, "this is gonna affect the rest of my life and I don't know if they just don't realize that, or don't care, or what, but I don't feel like I'm being heard." Children need to know that parents recognize the impact of divorce on children's lives. By listening to children's thoughts and feelings about the divorce, parents demonstrate their ongoing care and concern. |
| What I need from my mom and dad: |
I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Even if you don't live close by, please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions about who I spend time with and what I like and don't like to do. When you don't stay involved in my life, I feel like I'm not important and that you don't really love me. |
Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me and my needs. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty. I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. |
Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. |
Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don't have to send messages back and forth. I want you to talk with each other so that the messages are communicated the right way and so that I don't feel like I am going to mess up. |
When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don't say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are putting me down and expecting me to take your side. |
Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. |
References
Amato, P. 1994. Life-span adjustment of children to their parents' divorce. In Children and Divorce, 4 (1). Packard Foundation.
Behrman, R.E. and L. Quinn. 1994. Children and Divorce: Overview and analysis. In Children and Divorce, 4 (1). Packard Foundation.
Blakeslee, Ives, S. D. Fassler and M. Lash. 1994. The Divorce Workbook. Burlington, VT: Waterfront Books.
Cummings, E.M. and P. Davis. 1994. Children and Marital Conflict. N.Y.: Guilford Press.
Iowa State University Extension. Divorce Matters.
Mulroy, M., C.Z. Malley, R.M. Sabatelli and R. Waldron. 1995. Parenting Apart: Strategies for effective co-parenting. Storrs, CT: University of Connecticut Cooperative Extension System.
Stevenson, M.R., and K.N. Black. 1996. How Divorce Affects Offspring: A research approach. Boulder, CO: Westview Press.
This guide is a revision and update of The Effects of Divorce on Children, originally written by Karen DeBord, former state specialist in human development and family studies at the University of Missouri-Columbia.
This guide is also available in Portable Document Format.
/xplorpdf/hesguide/humanrel/gh6600.pdf
For information about PDF files, go to http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep2.html
Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension Work Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the United States Department of Agriculture. Ronald J. Turner, Director, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Missouri and Lincoln University, Columbia, Missouri 65211. • University Extension does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, religion, age, disability or status as a Vietnam era veteran in employment or programs. If you have special needs as addressed by the Americans with Disabilities Act and need this publication in an alternative format, write ADA Officer, Extension and Agricultural Information, 1-98 Agriculture Building, Columbia, MO 65211, or call (573) 882-8237. Reasonable efforts will be made to accommodate your special needs.
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